You have sex. You have perversion. It's all fabrication. Look at this.
A naked woman at the Statue of Liberty.
Where would they find a girl to do that?
- Her hair would... - Ow! My head! - Let me see that!
Take me back to shore! Now!
Hello.
Madison, what is it?
What's wrong? What happened?
It's the saddest thing I ever saw.
It's Bonanza.
A man killed another man, and he died right in the middle of the street.
Uh, no. No, no. This is only TV.
I thought you understood about TV. See, this is... This is make-believe.
This is just pretend killing that-that's going on here.
See, now, now, this guy, he's an actor, and next week he'll get shot on another show.
When you think about it, it's kind of funny.
You mean I'm supposed to laugh?
Yeah. There you go. Yeah.
Uh, I got... I got you something.
It's beautiful. I love it.
Uh, no. You open it.
There's more?
- Do you like that? - Yeah, I do.
I don't know why, really. Just, uh...
something about it.
It's always appealed to me.
Do you like the sea?
No. When I was about eight years old, I had this accident on a ship, and...
I remember.
What?
Uh, I can't... I forget the words.
Um, what's, uh... I understand.
Did you get hurt?
No, no, I didn't, but...
when I was underwater, I could have sworn I s-saw...
What?
- Nothin'. - What? - Nothin'.
I was just a stupid kid.
- You know, they're gonna tear this park out. - Why?
Oh, they're gonna build some riverfront condos or some such nonsense.
What are you gonna do, huh?
- You wanna go home? - No, I have five days left.
No. No, no, no, no. My home.
Oh.
Yes.
Why do we want to go to a political dinner?
- Because the president will be speaking. - President of what?
President of the Three Stooges fan club. The president of the United States!
- Wow. - I tell you, we'll be rubbin' elbows with the big boys.
- You think big, you'll be big. - I guess so.
Listen, uh...
would you mind if I took Madison to this thing instead of going with you?
What?
- What? - What?
Somethin' in here not working?
"Oh, I'll never fall in love, Freddie.
I can't. It won't work with me."
Who said anything about me being in love?
You haven't been to work in two days.
- So? - Admit it.
- No. - Admit it. - No. - Eye gouge!
- Admit it. - No. - Bone-crusher!
Son of a bitch!
- How long we been playin'? - About five minutes.
Oh, God! My heart's beatin' like a rabbit.
You, uh, want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, tell me this.
If you're not in love with her, how come these little things she does...
drive you crazy so much, huh?
Little things? Freddie...
the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.
She could probably speak English already.
- I think she was in shock from bein' arrested, you know? - Well, now what about that, huh?
What about a woman showin' up naked in a public place, Freddie?
Well, I'm for it, of course.
But you yourself said that she had some kind of, what, immigration problem?
She's on an ocean liner in the middle of, uh, international waters.
And, uh, she sees America. Looks good.
So she greases her body up like a channel swimmer.
She dives in. She, uh, goes through some sharks. Has some heavy trouble there.
Goes through the Coast Guard, through some mine fields.
And then she's, uh, she's on shore. She's okay. See?
But what about the-the bathtub and th-this moon stuff?
- And what about all those TVs? - Now, look, I'm being serious.
I've had a few minor fiascos in my own love life, and I admit that freely.
Freddie, you took a date to one of your own weddings.
I-I'm, uh... I'm a free spirit.
I'm extremely liberal. I'm a freewheelin' dude. You know what your problem is?
You're in love with this girl, and you're trying to convince yourself you're not.
I... I just don't know, Freddie. Just something about it isn't-isn't right.
I'll serve. You hold the beer. That'll be your handicap.
- Oh, we're gonna play? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humility. - All right. Wait.
Humility 101. You all set?
- Yeah. - All right. Here we go.
This is what we came to hear?
You call us and tell us that you have stretched...
the frontiers of paleontology and zoology.
And we interrupt important, serious work...
to fly here on a moment's notice, and you give us mermaids?
Don't call us, call the comic book companies.
That's enough. Gentlemen, we have a seminar in three weeks.
I expect you to be ready for that.
- Allen, you're here! - Hey, what... what... - I got you a present. Come on. - Wait a... Wait. What?
- I gotta... - Don't look. Close your eyes. - I gotta close the door!
- It's a surprise. - What... What are you doing?
All right. Come on.
Okay. Look.
Wha... You, uh... w...
Well, that's-that's big.
Yeah, this is...
This is very big...
and it's really here.
It's just so big!
They were gonna tear it down, so I bought it for you.
Now, where did you get the money to pay for something like this?
Madison, where's your necklace?
- I traded it for the statue. - Why?
Because I love you.
Oh, Madison.
Madison, I love...
uh, this st... uh, present.
I love it.
And I love you.
What's happened to you? You were the brightest student in my class.
True, emotionally you were 12 years old.
- I was 12 years old. - That's right. That's right.
And look what you've become. A schmuck.
- There is a mermaid in New York City. - Oh. Oh, yeah. Sure. Sure.
Y-You mean, this... this... this naked girl? How come she has legs?
She has legs out of the water. She has fins in the water.
You taught me that, Dr. Zidell. Don't you remember?
You taught me all the legends. You used to bring me into your office.
You used to show me charts on the walls of where sailors had claimed they saw mermaids.
Walter, that... that was for fun, for relaxation...
not for you to build your whole life on.
I'm gonna prove to you, and to everyone else...
that that girl is a mermaid.
How? Y-You gonna get her wet so everybody sees she has fins?
Taxi!
- Ohh! - Watch it!
- Hey, watch it, buddy! - Excuse me.
Look out!
- What does he think he's doin'? - Hey, what's goin' on?
Hey!
Oh, my.
Oops.
Nice earrings.
- Allen, is something the matter? - No, no, no. Nothing at all.
You know, I was thinking, you, uh...
- You don't have to leave the country. - I do.
No, no, you don't. See, there's all kinds of stuff we can do to get around the, uh, immigration laws.
For instance, I could... I could give you a job down at the market...
and you could get a work visa.
Or, uh, you could, uh, marry...
like, an American, yeah.
- Then they have to let you stay. - Our food is here.
Oh. Well, we'll, uh...
I guess we'll talk about it later.
Do be careful, madam. Uh, the plate is very hot.
Gee, well, thank you. These, uh... These look terrific.
She's really hungry.
Hey, Joey. How you doin'?
Great. You were very, very good.
Come on... Oops. Come on.
Let's sit down and talk.
- Your nose is cold. - Oh, I... Well, I don't wanna talk about my nose.
Your ears are all red.
I don't wanna talk about any part of my face.
But I, uh, I do wanna talk about, uh, what happened in the restaurant.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's how we eat lobster where I come from.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. I don't care about that.
No, I don't care about that.
You see, I was tryin' to do something in there, and I guess I did it very badly.
I was trying...
to ask you if, if you wanted to get married.
Madison, will you marry me?
- No. - What..."No"? Just "no"?
Uh, you don't wanna think about it? You don't wanna, uh, uh, kick it around for a little bit?
- I can't. - Why? - I can't tell you. I...
Look, I know you have some big secret that you think you can't tell me, but you can.
- What, you know, you're already married? - Allen...
What, you're dying? You were once a man? Whatever it is, I don't care. You can tell me.
Allen, I only have three days left.
Please make them wonderful.
Okay.
You wanna skate some more?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Allen.
- You know them? - No.
No, I've just seen 'em before.
I guess they've been comin' here together about 40 years.
- They look very happy. - Well, now, why shouldn't they be happy? Huh?
They get to spend their whole lives together, don't they?
Is this really what happens to water when it gets cold?
Yeah.
Where I come from, it never gets cold.
Oh, well, hey, what a breakthrough there.
You know, you j... you just really just opened up to me there.
- Your voice sounds funny. - Well, it's called sarcasm.
What, they don't have that where you come from either?
No.
Well, now, they don't have anything, do they?
They don't have ice, and they don't have music, and they don't have clothes.
Just what kind of a place is this, Madison?
Look, Madison. Madison! Madison!
- Hey, those skates are rented! - Hey, look, just give me one second, okay? Madison! Madison!
Madison, please! I'm sorry!
Let her go. Show some dignity, for Christ's sake.
Madison!
- Yeah. She's tall, blonde. - Haven't seen her.
- Thanks. - Okay.
- Hey, Charlie, how's it goin'? - All right.
- What time the trucks gonna get in? - I don't know.
- Allen? - What?
Yes.
See, if we get our blood test today, we could be married as early as tomorrow if we wanted to.
Allen, before we get the blood test, I have to tell you everything.
- So tell me. - Not today.
Yeah, but, see, if we get the blood test today...
No pressure, no pressure, mind you, but if we get the blood test today...
as soon as you tell me, well, then we can get married.
Listen, you are going to love being married to me. I was born to be married.
I just so happen to come from a long line of married people.
My mom and dad, they were married. Their moms and dads, they were married too.
Son of a bitch.
- Allen, I thought we were going upstairs. - Yeah, I know, I know.
But I love you and I am not gonna lose you again, so we are getting married tonight.
We're gonna get in the car and we're gonna drive to Maryland. I don't know why I didn't think about it before.
Freddie always gets married in Maryland. You don't need a blood test down there.
Oh, there's this dinner with the president. Damn!
That's okay. Hey! That's all right. That's okay.
We will just go to Maryland after we have dinner with the president.
- Hey, we'll even already be dressed up. - Allen, I haven't told you...
I know, I know, I know. You haven't told me this big secret of yours. That's okay.
You can tell me in the car on the way to Maryland.
You know what I hope? I hope we have a boy and a girl.
What kind?
Wh... What kind? Well, the-the young kind, I-I guess.
'Cause the, the older ones are a little hard to deliver.
- We're getting married tonight. - Oh! Wonderful! Congratulations! - Oh, thank you.
You. Why is this bread in here instead of out there?
And the butter is hard like a rock. Why, you...
- Do you have a broken arm? - No.
No, it... it's fractured, 16 places.
Why are you here?
Union sent me.
My God. The president is here!
The president's here! The president's here!
Bob Hollins!
Thank you so much.
I'm just a corn-fed Kansas boy, but you people are the Big Apple of my eye.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. I-It's great to be back in New York.
Alert. Alert. Table five. Intercept busboy with a suspicious hump.
He's reaching for it. Get him now. Get him now.
- Sir, I'd like a word with you, please. - About what? - Just a word with you.
Oh, this has nothing to do with the president. This has nothing to do with the president!
- Shut up! Get him out of here! - Get your goddam hands off me before I whip your...
Well, I guess he just found out what his dinner cost.
- I wanna talk to the press! I wanna talk to the press! - Get back! Get back!
- Who is this guy? - I... I have a formal statement to make!
And in Bob Hollins you have a candidate for Congress who is in touch with the people...
a man who built up the business left to him by his grandfather.
- What was once a small pushcart on wheels is now... - Allen.
- One of the largest fast food chains in America. - Yeah?
- It's time for me to tell you. - And how did he do it?
- What, now? - With perseverance.
- Right now. - With ingenuity. With great ideas. - Oh, okay. Okay.
- Great. - Not here. - And more importantly...
Fine. Fine. Sure. Come on.
With fresh meat.
- Shut up! - I am not crazy! There is a mermaid in there!
- Shut up! Shut up! - I'm not... - What mermaid? - I am a scientist!
- Charlie, get those damn media people back! - The grey BMW.
Get those people back!
Oh! Hey, I know that guy. I saw him up on Cape Cod. Gee, I thought he was crazy then.
- Get back! - There she is!
- Hey! Get him! Get that son of a bitch!
- Don't let him shoot that thing! - He's got a gun! - Don't let him shoot it! Hold it!
- No! - Get that thing out of his hand!
- Oh, my God, he's shootin' her! - Grab that hose!
Grab him! Get him!
- Get that hose! - Ohh!
- The son of a bitch! - What the hell is goin' on?
Down! Down!
I was right!
Behold the mermaid!
- Let me outta here! - Who are you? What is your name?
- Allen! Allen! - What is your name? Why are you here?
- What are we gonna do? - Grab her! Grab everybody!
- Allen! - I want to see her.
- Allen! Allen! - Move it! Move it!
- Get her! Get her! Get her! - Allen! Allen!
I did this! I did this!
- I knew I was right! - Allen! Please!
- Pick her up! Move it! Move! Move! - Allen! Allen! Allen!
- Allen! - Move back, I said!
Lieutenant Hanley, you're wanted at the front desk. Lieutenant Hanley.
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.
Dr. Hill, line five, stat.
- Buckwalter! - Sir!
- Gentlemen. - Doctor.
- Anything? - No change.
I am not a fish!
How many times am I gonna have to tell you people that?
Now, will you just let me out of here? Please?
Huh? People?
- Let's try some interaction. - Fine. Jim?
I guess they thought you might be one.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
I know.
- I... - Thought at least I was a human being.
Allen...
He's been in the water 12 hours. He's obviously just a man.
Get him out of there so we can concentrate on her.
He's here! This is Greg Martin, WNEW Radio, here with Allen Bauer.
- Mr. Bauer, when did you meet the mermaid? - Uh... - Mr. Bauer!
- Tell me, where did you meet? - Ow! Ow!
- Did you know that she was a mermaid? - Did you actually make love to her, Allen?
- Oh, no. That's a stupid question. - Did she eat worms, Mr. Bauer?
Mr. Bauer, would you have to make love to her in water?
- Hey, listen, Jack, that's none of your business. I don't have to... - Is she... Is she...
- Is she some kind of a mutant or a missing link of any kind? - No... No, no! She's not!
Allen! Allen! I'm from People magazine. Is it true that she's also seeing Burt Reynolds?
Oh, for cryin' out loud!
- One more question. - No! No!
Leave him alone!
Get out of the way! Get out of the way!
- Get out of the way, lady, or I'll drop ya! - Please let me through!
- Oh, well, I'm just... I'm just... - Allen! Allen! You all right? - Yeah! Get me outta here!
- Is anyone here from Penthouse magazine? - No!
Then we ain't talkin'!
Hey, Allen.
What are you lookin' at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before?
Get back to work!
Oh, oh, Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down right here.
You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP...
UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek...
Marineland, Ripley's Believe It or Not and Mrs. Paul.
Not now, Mrs. Stimler. Okay?
"Fishman"?
That's what they're calling you on TV too. Personally, I think it's kinda cute.
- So, how is she? - How is she? She's, uh...
She's a mermaid. I don't understand.
All my life I've been waiting for someone...
and when I find her, she's...
she's a fish.
- Nobody said love's perfect. - Oh, Freddie!
I don't expect it to be perfect but, for God's sake, it's usually human!
Every day people meet and they fall in love... every day... and look what I got.
Look what you got. Yeah, let's look at what you got.
Let's take a good look at what you got.
- People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said? - Yeah.
Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way.
Look, do you realize how happy you were with her?
That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy.
"Every day." Come on.
Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy!
What am I talkin' to you for? You don't know nothin'.
Mrs. Stimler!
Does she look a little pale?
Ah. That's a good day's work.
Now, tomorrow I want to see how she interacts with other marine life.
Then we'll be ready for the internal examination.
- Internal examination? - Of course.
I'll want to study her pulmonary system, uh, reproductive organs, everything.
Dr. Ross, are we considering...
how the subject is responding to the examination procedure itself?
I'm considering everything.
Ah, yes, well, I'm sure you are, Dr. Ross.
How stupid of me. Of course. But let me ask you this.
Are you considering the possibility that you might be a sadistic pig?
While we are baring our souls, Mr. Kornbluth...
I must honestly tell you I have never considered you a man of science.
You're not a member of my team.
Run along now, Walter, and see if you can't find a unicorn.
- What's that? - Painkiller, Mr. Kornbluth.
Whoever punched you cracked your tooth.
We are going to be very close to the nerve.
I don't deserve any painkiller. Just drill.
Oh, you want pain. Well, we aim to please.
- Get out. - What are you doing in here? This is my off... - Get out, Doc!
- Please stay! Aah! - Okay.
Let's talk.
Hey! Hey, put that down. Put that needle down.
- You stay away from me. - Hey, I said let's talk.
- Come on! - Put it down! - You stay away from me! - Put it... Put it...
Drop it!
What a week I'm having!
- You've destroyed my life, Kornbluth. - I didn't mean to.
I just had to prove to everybody that I wasn't crazy.
I'm a man of science.
I just didn't think about how it would affect you...
or her.
I'm really a nice guy. If I had friends, you could ask them.
I've been on the phone to every employee of the United States government...
calling 'em sons of bitches.
Nobody can even get in to see her.
I can.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Good afternoon, Dr. Kornbluth. I wasn't expecting you back today.
These are Drs Jarred and Johanssen from the Stockholm Institute.
I thought they were coming in later with Dr. Ross.
Oh, no, no, no. No, that story was just to fool the press.
Oh. Hey, um, you know, I'm half Swedish.
- Well... - Uh, just a second.
- How the hell did you do that? - Well, let me tell you somethin'.
Many of your finer nudie films come from Sweden.
Well, after you see 'em four or five hundred times...
the stuff starts to sink in.
- Afternoon, Buckwalter. - I'm sorry, Dr. Kornbluth.
I'm not supposed to let anybody in there until Dr. Ross gets back with them Swede people.
- These are the Swedish doctors. - These are Swedes?
Uh, come here.
Isn't that one right there kinda dark, you know?
He's dirty from the trip. Come on, Buckwalter, let us in.
- I don't know. I'm not supposed to... - What are you afraid of, Buckwalter?
Do you think we're gonna steal the mermaid?
- Well, no. - The mermaid! Stealing the mermaid!
What are we gonna do, fold her in half and put her in a briefcase?
- In a briefcase! In half! - I guess it's all right. Go ahead. Yeah, I guess it's all right. Go ahead.
- That's good. Good joke there. Good joke. - Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, this, uh, big secret you've been keeping from me...
is it that you're a mermaid, or is there something else?
No, that's it.
Allen, don't feel guilty.
Guilty? About what?
About not loving me any more.
Oh, Madison.
All the time we were together you always knew how I was feeling.
Can't you tell now?
Well, I left my wife in New Orleans
With 48 kids and a can of beans
- Left, right, one... - Oh, my God!
- What? - Back! Back, man!
Cover his face, for God's sake!
- What happened? What's goin' on in there? What happened? - That creature!
Dr. Johanssen bent down to examine her and suddenly these rays came right out of her eyes!
Don't go in there, man! She'll melt your face right off!
I knew somethin' like this was gonna happen. What should I do? What should I do, huh?
Oh, stop whining. Seal off the entire area.
- No, I'll call the Pentagon. - Pentagon? Are you crazy?
- You wanna create a national panic? - I don't wanna die!
Pull yourself together! Now look, don't let anybody in that room. You understand?
I'll be back. I'll be back with nuclear weapons. Come on, Doctor.
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross. Who are your guests?
Drs Jarred and Johanssen from the Swedish Institute.
Um, sir?
Dr. Kornbluth just, uh, left with the two Swedes a few minutes ago, sir.
Hiya, boys. Come on in. The water's fine.
Let's get her back. Now. And arrest him.
Repeat. This is not a drill.
Chase One, we have a blue BMW. Over.
Flyin' over Central Park South.
Come on, come on, come on.
You wanna know something? I don't think we're being followed.
Wh... Well, that was easy. That was simple. We did it!
- It was my plan. - Walter, you're a genius.
- I am a genius. - You're a genius. - But you came in with the Swedish thing.
- Yeah, well, you know, I tell ya. - That was... That was a brilliant touch!
Boy, I didn't even like you when I first met you!
Nobody likes me when they first meet me!
Allen?
- Move! - All right! Here we go!
Whoa!
Suspect heading south on Broadway.
Get outta the way!
Yeah, I see him heading toward City Hall, hard.
Watch out!
Unit One. Lost 'em in the Wall Street district. Over.
- Stop the car. - What? - Stop the car and let me out.
- I'll slow them down. - How? - Just do as I say!
I caused all this. Now I'm gonna finish it.
Get the hell outta here. Go!
What a week I'm having!
- Hey, man. - Move it!
Be advised. Suspect heading for port, East River.
Hey, mac! Move that thing outta here!
Up yours, Gomer. I'm waitin' for a fare.
All right, move out! Move out! Move out!
Come on, let's go! Hey!
Unit Five. He's heading south.
- I was ready to stay with you forever. - I know.
Now they know who you are, they're never gonna leave you alone.
- I can't ever come back to you. - I wish I could go with you.
- You can. - How?
- It can be done. - How?
Remember when you were eight years old and you fell off the ship?
You were safe under the water, weren't you?
- Yeah. - You were with me.
You mean, that... that was real?
You mean, that was you?
- That was you! - Yeah!
This is great! This is great!
I can go with you and still come back and, and see Freddie at Christmas.
You can't ever come back.
Madison.
I understand.
You on the dock, don't move! You're under arrest!
Let the girl go! Step back from the dock! You're under arrest!
You have to go.
- Move out! - Let's go!
I love you, Madison.
Go. Go!
Get that guy on the dock!
Leave her alone!
- Just leave her alone! - Come on!
Come on, you dinks! Come on, you dinks! Come on! Come on!
Madison.
Madison!
You there! Stay where you are! We'll get you out! Stay where you are!
Madison!
One fine day
Love came for me
And love was rare
As love can be
I saw stars
Shining in clear blue skies
We flow together
Once and forever
Love came for me
One fine night
Love let us see
How far we'll go
How good we'll be
We saw a world
No one ever saw before
It was the world
Love can start
With a beat of a heart
Love came for me
I saw stars
Shining in clear blue skies
We flow together
Once and forever
Love came for me
One fine night
Love let us see
How far we'll go
How good we'll be
We saw a world
No one ever saw before
It was the world
Love can start
With the beat of a heart
Love came for me